I had an experience in church the other day while I was teaching the children in primary that touched my heart. We are learning a new song called “I Will Be What I Believe” and one of the things I really focused on was making sure they knew and understood what the words and phrases meant. When we got to the line “I will be what I believe” I asked the group what they thought that meant. The room was quiet for a minute, and then one child said “is that like, the career you want to be when you grow up?” A few of the teachers in the back chuckled, knowing that wasn’t the obvious intent of the line. Immediately I felt impressed to confirm his answer.
“Yes! That is exactly right! If you want to be, say and astronaut, and you believe in yourself and you work hard you can be it! The same we we believe in Jesus and that He set a perfect example for us. If we believe and have faith in Him, we can become like Him.” I won’t lie, I was pretty darn proud of that answer and it stuck with me throughout the rest of the day. I can be what I believe. In fact, I WILL be what I believe.
Well, I believe I want to be a mom. And I have believed that for a really REALLY long time. (No this is not a surprise to my husband, in fact he supports my dream)
Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamt of being a mother and the wonderful life ahead of me. Flash forward about 20 years and here I am, married to an AMAZING man who I know will be and AMAZING father, with a burning desire to start a little family of our own. So we decided to make that dream a reality and try for a baby.
Then months went by.
Then a year went by.
And time continues to fly by.
Our friends had babies. Lots of babies. We said lots of prayers, saw plenty of doctors, tried all the things, shed even more tears and looked at too many negative pregnancy tests. It just hasn’t been working out for us yet. And if you’ve read my blog at all, you could probably infer that.
As we have been navigating this trial in our life, I have many times fallen to my knees in absolute and utter hopelessness. How could God deny me of such a righteous desire? Why would He keep me from achieving my dream? Where is God in this? Why has He left me? More often than I would like to admit these questions and many others have not only crept into my mind, but have caused thundering storms in my life that have torn me apart and knocked me down. I wondered why God would let me go through so much pain and why I should try and hope when I knew getting my hopes up would only bring hurt at the end of each month.
I will tell you now, I don’t have the answers to all of these questions. But here’s what I’ve learned.
God wants me to grow. God did not put me on this earth to return to Him exactly the same as I came. He put me here so that I could be tested and tried to grow stronger. So that ultimately, I can be more like Him. It is true that growth can never happen in our comfort zone, so at times our Heavenly Father allows us to be pushed way outside of what is familiar and easy so that we can grow more than we thought possible.
God LOVES me. This has been SO hard for me to understand but it is SO true and SO important. Sometimes we (I) get so caught up in wondering “well, if God loves me He would take this away from me” right? Not true. God loves me, so He gives me opportunity to grow and then He carries me when I am too weak to stand. God loves me so He stands with me and gives me strength. God loves me so He sent His literal child to come to earth and suffer all of MY pains and sorrows. So that when I feel alone and misunderstood I would have someone who could perfectly understand me. Who could see me where I was and meet me there with compassion. Can you actually think about that for a minute? God sent HIS CHILD to come to earth to not only be an example but to suffer the pain of the WORLD and DIE so that we could 1. repent 2. live with Him again but also 3. be understood. So that we could have somebody to lean on when times get tough. God freaking loves us guys. It’s mega important that we know that.
God has a plan for me. I won’t lie, this answer sounded like a load of crap to me. “God has a plan… sure… but I’m just not allowed to see it and I just have to trust that even though everything is literally insane right now that it is actually going according to plan.” I really really struggle with this guys. But it’s T R U E. God has a plan for me! I know it because I have seen it in my life. When I follow His lead and I go where He directs me I am ALWAYS blessed x100000. As I have followed His command I have found my testimony, I have found knowledge and strength, I have found an amazing eternal companion, I found a wonderful job, and so many other amazing things. Looking back over my life, especially the last five years there were many times that what I felt I wanted, what God wanted for me, and what everyone else wanted me to do did not line up. If that has ever happened to you, you’ll know making decisions in that situation feels impossible! I didn’t want to be a disappointment to those around me or my loved ones, and I wasn’t sure what would lie ahead if I followed any of the three options. But I knew that going with God meant God would be on my side. I can tell you that things definitely were not easier God’s way, but I was blessed more than I could ever imagine. And I will forever be grateful for my choice in trusting Him because He can see what I cannot.
I can trust God. I can’t say this one loud enough guys. You can put your trust in Him!! He does not lie, He does not cheat. God has promised me in priesthood blessings that I WILL be a mother. Whatever that looks like, whenever that happens, I have His word. And who better to put my trust in than my creator, the God of the universe, (truly) the Man with the Plan? Putting your trust in Him means handing Him the weight of what you’re going through and allowing Him to help you through it. Even to carry you. How do I know it? Because He carries me daily.
God’s timing is perfect. Ladies and gentlemen He truly knows what’s best for us. He knows what we need and when. Within the last few days our home caught fire and we lost a lot but neither Zach or I could have imagined having a baby with us through that experience, or even if I had been pregnant! As much as we want a baby, I am grateful God saw this bump in the road coming and planned accordingly.
Because of Him, I have a promise that I will not fail. This doesn’t mean there won’t be setbacks or hard days but in the end, with God, I can succeed. It doesn’t matter that somedays are a battle lost because with God the war is won. Because He allows me to grow, because He loves me, because He has a plan and because I can trust Him I can be what I believe. And not only can I do it, I am promised that I will. And that’s what I hold on to.