I used to let fear control my life. Every morning that I woke up, I greeted my fears like an old friend and set out to face a day full of “what if’s”. Every night I’d lie in bed and dream of absolutely insane worst case scenarios. Every day. Every night. And when life would throw a curve ball, all h-e-double hockey sticks would break loose. This looked like panic attacks, stress, lots and lots of tears, some yelling, a lot of impulse buying, a lot of missed opportunities and a lot of negative feelings.
Honestly I was miserable. I dreaded each day because I was afraid a new day would be a new disappointment. And do you know what? It was. Because I continually chose to close my mind off to the possibility of anything good.
So what changed?
I would like to say my circumstances miraculously improved and my struggles were over or that life ran out of curve balls. In reality, it was a conscious effort to be happy.
Wait wait wait, woah there. I know this sounds like a load of malarkey, but it’s totally true. While I was working on an assignment for church I came across the quote, “Be not afraid, only believe.” It nearly jumped off the page and slapped me in the face! My fears and anxiety were flooding over into every aspect of my life and I wasn’t feeling blessings from God or love because I was blocking it out in fear that I would some how ruin it. My fear was simply stronger than I was allowing my faith to be.
So over the past few weeks I’ve really put my focus on having hope in and for the things that I can’t see yet. And by doing that I put my trust in the One who is all knowing. (Who better to put your trust in???) I encouraged positive thoughts (even forcing them when I had to) and I pushed away my negative and worrisome tendencies. In my prayers I turned my stressors over to God and I tried my hardest to have the faith that He would take them.
And just as He always is, when I stretched my arms out to my Savior, He was waiting and ready to carry me. He did not take my trials away, but He did lighten my load. As I continually strive to hand over my hurt to Him, He continually takes it from me. And I can be happy right now, smack dab in the middle of the hardest trial I have ever faced. And I can be blessed, in the same day as my struggles. And I can have hope, in the very moments when I cannot see the road ahead.
So that miracle that I thought I needed way back when? It turned out to be a deeper and more trusting relationship with my God; it turned out to be hope. And those things are my light in the darkness and my strength in each step forward. He took this worrier and made me feel like a warrior, and for that I am grateful.